Whenever they fought,they did not even care about my feeling.They just wanted to show their tempers to each other,and maybe wanted to show who was more powerful,who was right or who was wrong.Therefore,I - the only child staying with them (brother went for further studies ),would become the victim.After quarrelling,they would take turns to talk with me personally and complain about each other.Instead of complaining,they still wanted me to support them and blamed their "opponent".One is my father and the other one is my mother,how could I blame or support one of them as they are my parents.This kind of situation always made me feel dizzy,puzzled and annoyed.
I tried my best not to explode and release years of repressed feelings of anger,resentment and sorrow.These feelings were trapped inside my confused body.Whenever my parents fought,usually about small,insignificant misunderstanding ,they seemed to convey more.The fight was not just about the topic of that particular quarrel,but the unspoken emotions that hovered over the sixteen years of my life.My parents and I had issues,and we did not know how to voice them.
Since then,I developed an afterschool routine.Every day after coming back from school,after eating lunch,I would get up to my room,locked the door,turned my music loud and started lying on my bed for more than 3 hours until someone came to get me for dinner.I ate dinner in silence.Furthermore I tried desperately to avoid talking to them and even not to make eye contact with them.I finished my dinner eagerly and rushed back hurriedly to my room for more music.I locked myself in my room until it was time for school the next day.
Once in a blue moon,my parents would ask me if there was anything wrong.I would snap at them, saying that I was just fine and to stop asking me questions.Last month,my mother told me that she wanted to talk with me.I was not thrilled.In fact,I resented her.I did not want to talk to anyone,especially her.
She forced me to sit down and she started the conversation by asking me the usual question : " Are you okay?Is everything going smooth?" I did not answer and refused to make eye contact. "Every day when you come home, you lock yourself in the room and as if you are trying to cut off from the rest of us." She paused a moment,her voice was a little shaky as she continued : " I feel like you are shutting me out of your life. " Having said that,my mother,a woman, whom I thought was tough and strong,more powerful than my father,began to cry.Months of hidden pains flooded from her eyes.I felt like I had been slapped.Never in my sixteen years had I seen my mother cry.Through her tears she went on to tell me that she wanted to be a part of my life and how she ached to be my friend.I loved my mother more than anything in the world,and it killed me to think I had broken my mother's potential heart and had shattered her hopes on me to million pieces under my feet.I had hurt her so deeply.I felt a lump forming in my throat as she continued to cry.Slowly the lump turned to tears,and they started pouring from my eyes.
" Don't cry mum," I said,putting my hand on her shoulder.
" I hope I didn't embarrass you with my tears, " she replied.
" Of course not.Mum...I will try my best to lighten this weak flicker hope...I will...Believe me..."
Mum replied with an extraordinary smile.
Starting from that day,I know it was time for all of us to work towards a better relationship.In the following days,I had a hard time breaking the pattern I had become so accustomed toover the last few months,I tried sitting in the living room with them and started a conversation with them.I felt lost in their world,while I was desperately trying to adjust to a new life style.Still, I made an effort towards it.
Now my family is more calm when I return home from school.Each of us has a newfound respect although sometimes we do have the occasional run-ins,but they are not like they used to be.There are no more cold stares or hurtful shouting matches.Even though my parents and I cannot change the past and the sixteen years lost to incessant bickering,each day we slowly learn how to communicate as a family,ensuring that another sixteen years would not be lost as well.
Looking back,I am glad that my mother and I had that talk.Not only I have gained a better relationship among family,I have gained a friend.So, in the end I just want to express to my mother : " Thanks a million for what you did for me."
By mingshi
2005
